Carmella's Hang Out

This morning, Kade and I struck out on a long walk around 11:30. The plan was to walk to Great Lakes Crossing mall, spend a few hours there, then walk back home. I was sure that if we had to call home for a ride, it would be because I was not able to walk anymore. {We all joked before leaving this morning, that I would break my foot. That is what happened two October’s ago after an eight mile walk to the Meijer store, which is right across the street from the mall.} I figured that my back and hip would give out before anything else, but promised to be very careful so as not to break my foot again {The time we walked, was the second time I had broken that foot.} The route we took was a five mile rather than the eight or nine it took us the last time.

Being very tired and hot, we stopped about half way there, at a Tim Horton’s for some iced coffee. While there, I put in an application. We left there after a nice long rest in the A/C, and continued on our journey.

The time was almost exactly 2 when we got to the mall. Yes, we took our time, I know, but that was a good thing. We needed to pace ourselves so that we would not get over heated, and it is better for my back and hip not to pound too hard! We hung out at the mall for a few hours, staying a very long time at the bookstore {I flipped through a wedding planning book for the longest time! lol. It was so much fun.} I also was able to find Sam’s birthday gift at an amazing price.

It was after 5 when we left, and we knew we would be late for dinner, but figured we would not stop so we would make better time than that morning.

Not long after leaving the mall drive, however, I knew that something was not right. Both arms had broken out into a rash that I know too well. Wanting not to be a wimp, I made note of it to Kade, but ignored it. Not a good idea. You would think I’d learn! We were walking back the same way we came, so we walked through the same weed patch as before, but the temp had risen higher than it had been at noon. Heat always makes things worse for me. As soon as I got out of the weedy walking path, I could feel that my breathing was become more laboured. I was getting really dizzy, and it was harder to swallow.

Last week at the allergist, the doc told me that if my allergic reaction EVER effected my throat or tongue, I was to inject myself with my Epi-pen at the first sign. Even though I know each time will get worse, I find it hard to use my pen when I know that before I have been able to just take a Benadryl and relax, and the reaction stops.

I am so very thankful that Kade was with me. This is the first time I have not been at home when I have had this bad of a reaction. I was sure I was going to pass out, but I was so determined to keep walking, not use my pen, work through it all…..I just had to remind myself to swallow and breathe. Easier said than done.

Kade called home to get a ride for us, and we only went a little farther in order to be right in front of the volunteer fire house that was near by. They have an emergency button out front, so we could have gotten help ASAP if I needed it. Kade knew we were not far, and she wanted to get us as close to it as we could.

Once we got out front, I lay down on the sidewalk in the shade, still trying not to panic {I always head into a panic attack and that makes things ten times worse} and still trying to convince myself I was not as bad as I knew I was. Though I did not swell up the same way as before, I felt my face grow very hot and tight. I had just remarked to Kade that I thought it was sad how we had been there for many minuets and not had one person stop to see if we were ok, when a truck pulled up and asked what was going on. Kade let him know I was having an allergic reaction and we had help on the way. The driver asked if we wanted him to wait with us till help came, in case we needed some before our ride arrived. I should have been thinking about how Kade must feel, and said that he could stay, but I said I would be fine. Kade told me later that she really wanted him to stay, since it would have been helpful to have another adult there to help keep the situation calm.

Though I could not see him, I am told by K-D that the driver did not want to leave us like that. He did,however, when I waved {still laying with my eyes glued to the sky as I reminded myself to breathe} and said thank you. Not two minutes later, a police officer went past, drove into the fire house and then onto the sidewalk to park. He came over and asked what the problem was, and how he could help. Again, Kade explained that I was in the middle of an allergic reaction, and that we had help on its way in the form of a parent. The officer asked what I was allergic to, and had I been feeling any better I would have laughed and said what I was thinking, which was “Everything”. Instead, I let Kade stay in her job as my mouthpiece and answer that we did not know, but had an epi pen should things get worse.

Before Dad arrived in the car, the cop must have asked two or three times if I wanted him to call for an ambulance. I kept saying no, even though in the back of my head I really was saying yes, I did not want to go to the hospital. I mean, I did, but money kept me from accepting the offer. All I could think was “I can’t use the pen, what if this is not as bad as I am making it out to be. What if I will be ok with just laying here. If I say I am in trouble, I need to inject myself and that is $25 in the pen alone. Then we have to get an EMT here, and will have to pay for that AND the ER visit.” You may not believe me, but trust me, that is exactly what was going on in my head, between thoughts of “It hurts to breathe” “I’m scared” “Gulp a little harder and you will be able to swallow.”

Dad got there, and I began to cry when I saw him standing over me. I can become very child like in the middle of those attacks, and I don’t think as rationally as I would at other times. I did not like that I had been weak and not been able to make it home. I did not like that I was again having one of my attacks, and I was scared. The policeman again asked if he could call an ambulance, and Dad asked me if I thought it would go away. I said I did, but that it was not gone yet.

I really should have said yes to the EMT the first time, and should have injected right away. However, I did not. The cop took our names and contact info, and said that he was going to wait in his car till I was well enough to leave. He would be able to get me help if I needed it. I said I though I could get up….just not now. I lay there for a bit longer, and was again sure I would throw up when I rolled over to get up {My PT people would be so proud of me….I got up the right way!!} When I stood up, I got really dizzy and nearly fell over again. I did mange to make it to the car though, but kept my pen near by.

On the way home, I did open the pen up and came THIS close to putting it in my leg. It is a strange feeling, being torn between using it and not. I wanted to use it, since I knew it would stop the pain, but I did not want to use it because of so many other reasons.

In the end, the so many other reasons overcame the feeling of wanting to use the pen, and I made it home and to the couch to lay down more.

Even now, at nearly 11, I am having a hard time with my breathing. My lungs are very tired and they are trying to teach me a lesson, I think. That lesson would be: Use your Epi next time. And I hope I will. This time did not progress as fast as last time, but I know that will not always be the case.

I thank the Lord that Kade was with me and that He helped keep her calm for me. I am also thankful for the driver of that white pick up, who stopped by to make sure a girl laying on the sidewalk was ok. I am thankful that we have a good police department, and that the officer wanted so much to help make me better. It did help calm me down a bit, knowing that Kade and I were not alone on the street, and that I would have help right away should I stop breathing. And I am thankful that Dad came so quickly, and that he did not act at all upset with me. No, I do not actually think my Dad would ever be mad at me for something I can’t help, like anaphylaxis, but when I am sick at the time, that comes to mind!

Thank you Lord!!

My lungs hurt, but the rash is gone, and my tongue is not swollen anymore.